The Scarf Witch

Throughout my life, and especially when I was younger, I had dealt with very terrifying sleep paralysis.  I learned later that one of the mythos surrounding sleep paralysis was that it was Baba Yaga sitting on your chest. 

I also had a thing where I proudly persevered through pain, pushing myself through the "hard stuff".   Quickly making a cut.   I've been starting to realize that I jump past the pain.  That I am proverbially cutting off my arm, thinking it is bearing down and making the tough decision.  When in reality, I am really just afraid of languishing in the potential of the prolonged pain of infection only to inevitably have to lose the limb.  And in that moment of apparent strength, I am cutting of the possibility of keeping the limb, if I were only brave enough to chance the prolonged pain. 

Coming to this realization, which I'm still working into my body, was catalyzed by an introduction to the wisdom of Baba Yaga.

Sometime last year, I had a spontaneous vision where she entered into my psyche, and I started researching how to start working with her and honoring her.  One of the rituals was to do a tedious and difficult task - like grinding salt, while picturing Baba Yaga watching you to ensure you did the task through to completion. 

Then a few months ago, I had a channeled experience with what I believe to be Baba Yaga's essence. 
I was making some toast - actually - whole wheat toast with almond butter and honey.  It is a meal I have to remember and honor my paternal grandmother. I really love it when it is nice and warm and the almond butter melts and the honey spreads evenly across with minimal mess.  I have to get the timing just right for this to happen.  Well, things kept messing me up.  I couldn't do it the way I wanted to do it.  I was getting so frustrated.  Then I got this feeling - the feeling of grinding the salt with the mortar and pestle, and I could feel Baba Yaga's eyes on me, and I surrendered into the moment, accepting what was happening, and taking each moment as it came. 

what child?
you think you know pain?
you think you know perseverance? 
you must know you are not in control
it is why I hold you down.
I hold you so that you may learn surrender
you think forcing your way is the way out?
oh my child, you know nothing

you only enjoy the pain you can control
only when you let go will you understand - 

In the past, I would have eaten in the kitchen at this point to try to have it be at least close to the warm toast that I wanted.  But at this point, I was locked in and decided to go sit at my desk.    I didn't even run over - I slowly walked over, staring at this honey nut toast, knowing my initial desire was ruined, but somehow, knowing that a deeper satisfaction was growing inside me.  I sat down, and as I bit into the toast, Baba Yaga continued:

yes- 
    it is not what you wanted 
    it was not the meal you were searching for-

but do you taste it?
in every bite?
in every deliciously not-what-you-wanted bite?
you are here
you know you are free

yes… yes... you just tasted a million flavors on your tongue
the persistence wasn’t about the pain at all 
it broke down your walls

surrender
surrender
surrender

I am coming for you now

"I am coming for you," while terrifying was not threatening.    Baba Yaga had just introduced me to the wisdom of true inner strength, which goes beyond the determination of perseverance.   This is not bearing down and taking the pain the world has to give.  This was an introduction to committing to myself in a way that will allow me to handle what comes at me with acceptance and grace.  

See - perseverance is stubbornly plowing through regardless of what comes at you.  The commitment of inner strength isn't bothered by outside forces, and that is why she said "you know you are free".

So, I say with tremendous gratitude, come for me, Baba Yaga.   
When I am not holding to the commitment of inner strength, come for me.